The Extrapolater

Voodoo Sabermetrics reminds us that our love for the team includes our love of individual players. We usually have a favorite superstar hitter or pitcher or both. But what about those guys that you just… like? Maybe someone who pinch hits or steals a base now and then. Maybe an aging vet who is like an extra coach in the dugout. Rather than judge everyone by their stats, we’re going to use unique categories and scoring methods to check out baseball’s characters.

Our High Voodoo Council are:

Jack Cobra from 3manlift.com Neighbor Quotient and Scrappiness
Texas Gal from Ladies… Hottness and Behavior
Uncle Sunil from Hurricanes Are For Drinking Atomic Mass and Exposure
Gary Gnu from The GNUru Fantasy Sports Clutchness
Sooze from Babes Love Baseball Jollyness
TC from Mr. Thursday’s Curious Mechanism Appearance and Quotability
Extra P. from The Extrapolater Name Quality (including nicknames)

Today we’re looking at a pitcher with a very bright future ahead of him. If I were starting a pool on when he’d stop carrying Todd Jones’ golf bag and take the closer job for himself, I’d pick a date in the near future. In addition, his personality can go from fastball to off-speed at a moment’s notice.

Meet Joel Zumaya

Name: Joel’s parents didn’t do him any favors in the intimidation department. Joel Martin Zumaya doesn’t have much of a ring to it. Fortunately, his family name has the perfect onomatopoeia for a man who throws in the 100s with ease.

Wikipedia claims his nickname is “Zoom”, which is a no-brainer. Answers.com offers “Zoom-Zoom”, which is cute and makes me want to barf. He’s not riding a Big Wheel any more, let’s stick to one Zoom. I think that’s a good place to start, though I’d like to hear more. A few more years of dominance ought to earn him some truly notable sobriquets.

I’ve been trying to use onomatopoeia in a sentence since the fifth-grade spelling bee, so Mr. Zoom gets 6 out of 10.

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Atomic Number: By all accounts, Joel Zumaya is a pretty good guy in the clubhouse and in the community. He throws reeeeeaaaaallllyyy hard, and looks kinda crazy, but anybody who plays that much “Guitar Hero” with their teammates sounds like a pretty sociable guy, right? So his atomic number is 7, as in Nitrogen. Nitrogen is the most common element in the atmosphere, just as Joel Zumaya is the person most commonly in the clubhouse (at least near the PS3). You can freeze things in liquid Nitrogen, and it looks pretty cool when they shatter, just as it looks pretty cool when a Joel Zumaya fastball shatters somebody’s bat.

But that’s not why Joel Zumaya is Nitrogen. Wanna know why? Because Nitrogen tetroxide (N2O4) and hydrazine (N2H4) are both used as rocket fuel. And Joel Zumaya throws really hard. It’s an over-simplified analogy, but it comes with video supplementation, which is always fun. And yes, I am mailing this one in (both literally and figuratively).

Exposure: Contradicting everything I just said about the abundance of Nitrogen, Joel Zumaya is ridiculously underexposed. He throws his fastball at like 116 MPH. He has an intimidating look, including a crazy red eye (supposedly because of allergies). First and foremost, he should be endorsing “Guitar Hero,” that goes without saying. But it’s not too far into the willing suspension of disbelief to see him endorsing allergy medication, hemorroid creme (takes away the burn; see rocket analogy above), and credit cards (if Rick Vaughn can, Zumaya can). Joel Zumaya: underexposed. His agents: not doing their jobs. His score: 1.4.

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Neighbor Quotient: Being the young fireballer that he his Zumaya parties just as hard as he throws his fastball. This could lead to problems if he’s up partying at all hours of the night and making a lot of noise (have I ever sounded older than just now?). He can make up for it though by 1)inviting me and B)throwing some of the ladies my way. – 3 out of 10 with the possibility of a 672 out of 10.

Scrappiness: I have to think that his 100+ mph fastball doesn’t come from running extra miles or lifting weights, it’s probably more of a genetics issue. So, while he’s a great reliever (so far), the scrappiness level isn’t that high – 4 out of 10.

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Hottness: 2
When are we going to get a hottie for me to check out? This is two weeks in a row I’ve had to wade through image searches of unattractive dudes. ZumZum has pretty eyes, I guess, so I’ll throw him a 2. Zumaya of yesteryear, though, would get a solid 6.

Behavior: Guarded (Blue) on the Threat Level Scale.
Any guy who gets geeked about Guitar Hero and Wrestlemania can’t be too dangerous. His wicked fastball can elude radar guns in 32 of the 50 states, though, so we need to keep an eye on him. Plus, anytime you have a guy with a chance to go on the DL (during the ALCS!) due to videogame-related injuries, you can’t dismiss the threat potential.

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My numerical scores will correlate to the alcohol contents of various beers. In case you care, here’s the scoring system.

Quotability: Young Joel Zumaya suffers a bit from cliche-itis, but, on the upside, he frequently makes himself available to reporters, so he’s held accountable for his successes and failures–unlike players like Manny Ramirez and Pat Burrell. Also working in his favor, is that his claim to fame–baseball’s hardest fastball–evokes in announcers who have seen everything statements of amazement. The finest example, perhaps, came last year. Zumaya threw Vladimir Guerrero, a man who hardly ever strikes out, 5 straight 100 mph fastballs, which Guerrero fouled off. Guerrero, finally geared to catch up to Zumaya’s heat, whiffed foolishly for strike 3 on an 80mph knucklecurve. Said Rod Allen: “Not fair. Not fair at all…” Joel, you might not say anything particularly interesting, but you get points for being accountable, and honest, and for leaving announcers speechless, so you may enjoy the excellent Stone Russian Imperial Stout and its 10.8% alcohol.

Appearance: Zumaya is a big fella, standing 6′3” and over 200 pounds. He, however, sports a boring, boring, boring chin muff, and short hair. His left arm has a large flame and cross tattoo on it, which acts as foreshadowing of what’s to come for the batter: fire from God. On its own, this isn’t a lot, but when Zumaya’s allergies are acting up his left eye shifts Terminator red. With one ocular ablaze, for you, Joel Zumaya, a Victory V-12 with 12% alcohol.
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Joel’s Jollity: Joel Zumaya is an incredibly jolly man. His fastball says “The gym is that way” but his belly says “Spaghetti Bolognese”. Zumaya is sitting quite comfortably at Tony Soprano on the jollity scale.

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Clutchness: How fitting we feature the man who takes the mound to the Jimi Hendrix song “Voodoo Child” in this week’s edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. Joel Zumaya’s legendary fastball and rock star attitude are reminiscent of Voodoo Sabermetrics’ poster boy Pedro Cerrano’s teammate Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn- talk about Deja Voo Doo.

Although Zumaya has garnered much attention due to his +100 MPH heater, Zumaya’s reliability in the clutch is questionable. Much like Rick Vaughn (as well as former Cub Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams), Zumaya has been known to add a few grey hairs to Jim Leyland’s already silver locks. In 6 save opportunities, Zumaya was able to produce just 1 save. On top of that, Zumaya was sidelined during the 2006 American League Championship Series by a wrist injury while trying to emulate his idol Jimi Hendrix on the Play Station 2 game, “Guitar Hero”.

Despite that, opponents hit only .187 off Joel Zumaya. Even more impressive is the fact that opponents hit just .197 against him in the 7th inning or later with the batting team either ahead by one run, tied or with the potential tying run at least on deck. While Zumaya can’t be considered one of the Clutchiest relievers in the league, he is well on his way. The scary thing is he is only 22 years old!!

GNUru Clutchness Factor: 7.25

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Joel’s a real up-and-comer. There’s a certain level of intrigue that sticks to a guy who throws thunderbolts like Zeus. How he uses that power over the next season or two will determine his status as a fan favorite. The fact that the Tigers are contending again makes him all the more likely to become known outside of his own media market and us baseball fanatics. Overall, the flame tattoo and the man-of-the-people vibe will stand him in good stead, and if he can help Detroit nail down another World Series appearance, his legend will grow. If he can drop a few pounds and lose the chin beard, he will secure the all important cross-gender appeal.

The recent news that Joel loves fake wrestling isn’t going to hurt his profile one bit, either. He’s a voodoo chile, embrace him.